The Wolf You Feed

“A wise tribal elder told a story to his grandson one evening by the fire.  ‘Inside me, there is a fight raging between two wolves.  One wolf is anger, bitterness, self-pity, jealousy, and sorrow. The other wolf is love, faith, hope, peace, forgiveness, and joy.  Both wolves are strong, and they battle fiercely – not just in me, but in everyone, even you.’
The young boy thought for a moment and asked, ‘Grandfather, which wolf will win?’
The wise elder replied, ‘The one you feed.’”  -- Cherokee proverb

It’s a great feeling.

You’ve finally come to a place in your life where you have truly let go of the self-hatred. All of the doubts and insecurities and criticisms have faded into the background, and made way for real self-acceptance and love. All of your give-a-fucks have shifted away from what other people think, and have settled squarely on what makes you happy. You see yourself with new eyes; you want to take care of you for the right reasons; you are at peace with yourself.

And then something happens. Or nothing happens. Maybe there is an incident; or maybe everything is exactly the fucking same as it was yesterday. But for some reason –

It shatters.

One day you wake up and that face staring at you in the mirror has somehow turned back into that person who was so full of loathing for herself. The beautiful, confident woman you were learning to love has been replaced by that flawed, insecure lady who has haunted you your whole life. The bitch is back.

She laughs at you; she calls you a fool for thinking you are really worthy of love and confidence. She reminds you that no matter how many times you tell yourself that the opinions of others don’t matter, you know that they do. You know that you see all the eyes of everyone you encounter, looking at you, judging you for being fat; for how you dress; for being old…they’re judging you and it matters.

You know that she will always be there. She is much older than this new, confident creature that has so recently been born in you. There is no way to kill her. She is too strong. You can turn your back on her, you can refuse to acknowledge her, and you can fight her. But you know that she will never die; you know that she will always come back.

But here is the good news. Yes, she is strong. But just as you can’t kill her, neither can she kill this new woman who is developing in you. She can stifle her temporarily; she can knock her down and she can even cause some damage. But she can’t kill her; because this new woman, though she is still fragile, is already a part of you. She has already taken hold, and she will grow and flourish, because she is the one you are going to nurture.

She is the wolf you will feed.